Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Spirit: Admitting You Need Help

My goals to develop my spirit over the next 12 months are:
"Continue therapy, learn small talk, become comfortable being photographed"
I haven't talked about therapy because I was embarrassed, but I'm outing myself now. I am in psychotherapy. I'm 34 and have never had a committed relationship with a man - ever. I, finally, realized that it's me - not "them". I need to own that and address whatever it is in me that keeps me from a loving partnership. So this year, on my birthday, I gave myself the gift of therapy (at a very affordable $10 copay thanks to great insurance coverage!). I carefully, picked a woman (that seemed important) counselor and have been seeing her weekly for about 4 months. No drugs are involved, we just talk. I wish more was changing in me, but it's a long process to discover yourself. Right now, I'm becoming aware of my thoughts and actions both positive and negative. That's step #1.
Now I find myself in a bizarre situation. I have a secret that I should tell my therapist - a big, uncomfortable secret that may be at the root of my self-esteem troubles - but I've left it out of each session. Why? Of all the places to tell it, this is it. Why can't I just say it? Next session is tomorrow and I think I'm just going to blurt it out the second I sit down, so I don't talk myself out of it again.

There are 2 other goals: learn to small talk & become comfortable being photographed. I get so nervous around people that I either clam up or ramble on non-sensically. As silly is this sounds, I really have trouble having light conversation. And, while I want to be in photos, I shy away or cover my face most of the time because I feel ugly and unworthy a lot. I think it's realistic to improve those 2 things in one year. It's all about becoming comfortable with myself. Wish me luck!

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